Most of us probably have felt like we didn’t belong at some point during our lifetime. Whether this event occurs on the playground, at work, or at a party, it can leave us with an unsettling feeling that, whether we realize it or not, often prompts us to question our characteristics, values, and personality traits and then wonder, “Why am I not good enough?” or “What’s wrong with me?”

Truth be known, research studies have proven that humans are instinctively programmed with a desire to fit in, and will sometimes even alter their behavior in minor ways to do so. We all want to be unconditionally accepted for who we are, and it is our fear of rejection that often drives our need to belong. Yet, sometimes our quest to be accepted is not healthy, especially when that desire causes us to overhaul our entire personalities and become someone we’re not.

It can be exhausting to be a fake version of ourselves.

If you are feeling the need to undergo a major transformation every day to fit into a certain environment, it may be time for you to evaluate whether you are presenting your true self to the world. Here are a few introspective questions that can lead you through the self-evaluation process:

Who is my support group, and do they have my back at all times?
Is there anyone toxic in my support group who does not want the best for me?
Do I need to create boundaries to eliminate toxic influences?
Do I feel like I am a square peg trying to fit into a round hole when I am at work?
Is there another professional role for me that would be a better fit or is it the culture?
If the answer is “no” to the above two questions, what would I like to be doing instead or what kind of culture would better fit my personality and core values?
What is my best characteristic?
Am I proudly presenting that characteristic to the world every day or am I trying to push it down and being someone I’m not?
Who am I really? (List all your characteristics and then circle how many you are currently exhibiting to the world on a daily basis.)
What is one thing I can do today that will lead me down a better path to being my true self, everywhere and all the time?

Think of it this way. Chemistry is important in every relationship and in nearly all situation in life. When we feel the right chemistry either with those around us or in any environment, we feel accepted, appreciated, and encouraged to be ourselves. No one can really explain chemistry. It’s a feeling. A nudge. A flutter in the gut. It’s either there or it’s not. Pay attention to the chemistry in your relationships and environments. If it’s not evident, move on.

In the future, if you find you’re acting like someone you’re not the majority of the time, then ask yourself this powerful question:

Is this my ideal life, or am I living someone else’s?

Then begin the self-evaluation process. It’s an insightful and extremely important step to ensuring you are being your authentic and unique self, always and forever. It’s really about accepting yourself and all your special qualities, isn’t it? There’s no one else exactly like you. Be yourself, love who you are, and you’ll be a magnet that attracts your best life.

Vicky DeCoster is a Certified Life Coach based in Omaha, Nebraska, who specializes in helping her clients both locally and nationwide to move past obstacles, create a plan for happiness, and cross the bridge of transition to find a new and fulfilling direction in life. To read more about her and her practice, visit her at crossthebridgecoaching.com.

You may have heard of the popular Zen tale about a horse and its rider. As the horse wildly gallops down a road with its rider tightly gripping the reins, both man and animal eventually meet a stranger standing beside the road who curiously shouts, “Where are you going?” The rider replies, “I don’t know. Ask the horse!”

Although this story is short, it contains a powerful and symbolic message about empowerment. Each of us, no matter what our struggles or challenges, has control over the direction of our lives. But how do we find that direction when all we feel is lost? First, ask yourself this question:

Who is holding the reins of my life?

If you believe you are the only one holding the reins of your life, terrific! You have realized the power you have within to take control of where you are going and how you want to get there by creating a concrete action plan, setting clear goals, and assigning someone to hold you accountable to getting from here to there.

If you believe that someone else (or several others) are holding the reins instead of you, now is not the time to worry or continue treading water. The first step in attaining life transformation is to recognize the need for positive change. Now, ask yourself this question:

What is one thing I can begin doing today to point myself in the right direction?

Perhaps you would like to become a healthier version of yourself. Beginning with that idea, think about how you can transform one less-than-ideal daily decision into a positive action that guides you toward a bigger goal. Pledge to go to bed one hour earlier every night so you can awaken sooner and exercise. Log everything you eat into a food journal. Prep meals to save time and avoid mindless snacking.

If you are unhappy at your job, think about how you can replace a robotic daily decision with a better one that leads you down a new path. Rather than complaining about events that are out of your control, update your resume. Set aside time once a week to apply for new opportunities. Talk to a recruiter. Network with your connections.

Every time you complete an action that moves you in the direction of a more content future, reward yourself with positive self-talk. Now, ask yourself this one final question:

How do I feel about myself and my direction when I take steps toward positive change?

When incorporating positive change in your life, you create a path forward that leads to contentment. Socrates once said, “The secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but in creating the new.” This is your life. Remember, you don’t have to be a helpless rider on a galloping horse. You have the strength. You have the courage. You have the power deep within to confidently take back the reins, make the changes you need to be content, and inspire others by walking the talk.

Being Okay with Being Yourself

How to Take Back the Reins of Your Life